" Passion does not fade. It must be supressed "

writes Deepak Chopra.

" Boredom is just the passive face of this effort to keep desire out of sight, the indifferent mask you put on to hide a huge internal struggle . The belief that you won't ever get what you want implies enormoushatred and judgement against yourself . Keeping these feelings in control takes work , for even if you sincerely believe that you do not deserve to have desires, the vitality of life isn't going to be halted. "

I am picturing all the indifferent masks out there and all the energy it takes to keep them in place. What if that energy were put to some more creative use ?

I am feeling the internal struggles too. I know them well, all those inner conflicting thoughts..." you could put up posters , g ive out fliers and brochures to attract more business " and " nahh .. what's the use .. it's too much like hard work ... who would read them anyway "

Maybe we also sabbotage ourselves from being too successful by sincerely believing that we do not DESERVE to be successful.

I'm thinking of all the BORED teenagers , troubled adolescents in our schools ...what if.. what if behind these INDIFFERENT masks that we see .." I couldn't give a fuck " masks .. what if there are enormous resources of creative passion that are being suppressed out of FEAR ?

" FEAR OF LIFE is extremely common when someone complains of ennui " writes Chopra.

THe flow of life won't be stopped, a counterforce must be called in to oppose it - the countreforce of fear.

I ask myself :

AM I AFRAID OF LIFE ???

IN WHAT WAYS AM I AFRAID OF LIFE ?

IS IT MY FEAR OF LIFE ITSELF THAT IS SABBOTAGING ME ?

Is it all this fear and struggle that are making me feel tired and apathetic ???

25 April 2003
I wrote:

I remember last night dreaming that I was in a rowing boat , someone else was rowing . Near us was another rowing boat, one child fell in , the other jumped in after him and then the woman in the boat dived in to rescue them both - she went for one of them., the one who was rowing my boat went after the other child. I was left in the boat and had to row. I picked up the oars and rowed ashore . Once there I was a bunch of people greeted me cheerfully, laughing and asking if I had not seen the engine on the boat ...sure enough there was one there lol I'd chosen the oars . hehe .. but managed quite well anyway .

Water and feelings ... emotions ..... a whole lake of emotions !!!

My friend Valerie said :

" Ah, the rise and fall of the tides of our emotions. We
always seem to make it back to shore, don't we(?). We must constantly remember that the raft is not the shore.

and refered to this:

DIRECTION ( from www.kryon.org )

"One ship drives east, another drives west,
With the self-same winds that blow.
'Tis the set of the sails and not the gales
Which tells us the way to go.
Like the waves of the sea are the ways of fate,
As we voyage along through life.
'Tis the set of the soul which decides the goal
And not the calm or the strife."

~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

That was April. I manage to carve out for myself a fabulous 2½ months working and playing in Greece

I took my heart and emotions with me .. opened up and got tossed around a bit in a the most pleasurable , passionate and unexpected of ways.

My home in Sweden, my cave got to rest, while I bathed in the azure blue green waters and sky, embraced and caressed by the blazing hot sun.

YEs .. emotions .. always IN MOTION .. know them well .. I have yet to find the engine on that boat though.

Is it still called work when you love what you do and would do it if you were paid or not ?

Has anyone read Matthew Fox 's book about redefining concept of WORK ?

EMPLOYMENT and ENJOYMENT

A good day starts after noon
Woke up at 8 am but W.O.R.K starts at 13:00
One of the first things I read today

" Your past is your story up to now. The future is the story yet to come. The present is where you live with that experience, your hopes and your dreams " and was reminded of the imortance of writing my own story - not only what HAS BEEN but WHAT IS YET TO COME.

DEAR UNIVERSE

Thank you for all your gifts and blessings. Thank you for sending me lots of fee paying English speaking clients- they are absolutely perfect for me . YOu know the ones I mean . you always get it right. You know I love working with these bruised souls who don't know what they want, guiding them through the woods. It's great fun.

So, thank you thank you thank you
So be it and so it is
Love love love
miramaze

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Anais Nin

TODAY is the day that I start to blossom in my new life.

YES

Really trying to be organised.
Woke up this morning feeling overwhelmed.
Conflict between control and surrender to what IS.

It's as if I have to do it all NOW .. sooner than later.
sadness
Frustration
Inner scream

Made a list.

First item on the list " pay bills " took far longer than I thought because I couldn't find the pay in slips, and had to phone.

Insight- I don't have to for Susanne's course today - I can give her the money when I see her- does not have to be done via the internet.

Was moved and touched by a post from a recovering drug addict so responded - that took a while too.
Kicking any habit is tough . Must be really tough to get an addiction off your back.

I'm addicted to food. When I don't have it , I feel weak and feeble and can't think straight.
LOVE breakfast - two eggs ( again ) bread , stewed tomatoes and cup of coffee. MMMMMmm YUMMY !! Gentlly fried in olive oil. I go through a lot of olive oil.. is that ok ? Don't use artificial processed fats and oils .. only the pure stuff.. olive oil and butter .. butter used sparingly. No white sugar. No processed foods. Fullcorn pasta. Vegggies , no meat , salmon , fish .. slamon is farmed .. wonder how healthy that is ? I.Q. capsules .. for my brain and for my heart. ..3 tablespoons of crushed flaxseed ... all manner of goodness in those.

What else is on my list

Call Telia, Thorbjörn, Iréne,
Go for a walk, exercise
meditate
journal
food shopping
work

Ah the rest will come to me .

HAPPY BIRTHDAY , Queen Elizabeth II !

http://news.bbc.co.uk/cbbcnews/hi/newsid_4920000/newsid_4927300/4927318.stm

We are all children at heart.

I love the Queen for doing her very best at all times.
We are all perfect in our imperfections - it's not easy to be a monarch - I wouldn't like it - not for all the tea in China ! But our Lizzie takes her job very seriously and is STILL working at 80 ! She is amazing - certainly has a lot of stamina and many of the qualities of a very good , good-enough queen.

God bless Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
Bless her as she works and plays.
Bless her family, friends and loved ones.
May she always be well , happy and peaceful.

So be it and so it is ... AMEN

Just started reading " The End of Faith " Religion , terror and the future of reason by Sam Harris. It's a challenging book for an emotional person like me to read.

I've chosen to read this because it seems interesting and provocative and I want to practice being objective .

Maybe it will help me practice " seeing what IS " without colouring what I see with judgement or prejudice. Let's see what happens.

Already I've found a phrase that I like :

" the graveyard of bad ideas "

and I have to ask myself , as I review my beliefs which ones will end up in this graveyard of bad ideas.

I am changing. Everything around me is changing. Everything is of a constantly changing nature. Beliefs that have served my well in the past and have been my loyal soldiers are maybe holding me back now. Maybe I am resisting change. I have chosen to examine my beliefs so this book seems timely and challenging.

http://www.samharris.org/

What is sex for you ? I'd like to know.
For me sex is a primal powerful creative force.
Sex is a power.
Sex is power.
Sex , like fire can be used in many ways- to light a fire or burn down a house.
Sex is a form of communication between lovers
Sex even becomes visible between passers by as glances are exchanged and images processedin the brain.
Sex is the Life force.
Sex can burn.
Sex gives life.
Sex invigorates.
Sex.....kundalini rising .....creativity ...first and second chakras.
The colour of sex is red and orange.

When you are bored , no drastic change is necessary . The only thing you really need to do is shift the way you see your world. Just choosing to see your surroundings with new eyes allows you to enjoy your experiences with more depth, meaning and fun. Suddenly boredom disintigrates.

I've actually tried staying bored and being even more bored , though I've not yet succeded.

I'd like to write something really inspiring and clever but struggling with wretched spreadsheets has drained me of ever ounce of inspiration..leaving dense dull boredom. Nadda . Nothing.

Stream of consciousness might go something like this:
curly whirly , wild and wondrous
wickedly wobbly
computer nerd
calculator
Ghandi.. peace on earth
birth
joy
living and dying
playing and sensing
cooking and fucking
ooooops did I say that ?
hehehe I meant screwing and snogging
making love is better
see what happens when I empty my brain ?
Reminds me to do start writing my morning pages.
Supposed to do that longhand ,..... but reckon the computer would do .. just as wel.
Right.. that's it .. I quit .
night night .. love and light .. all things bright.