Aftnoon all
Ever since last night I have been moving through a whole pianoforte scale of feelings !
*phew * what a journey !
Right now , I am in a happy place
smiling at myself amd me myself and I are sort of cuddled up together. I am feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. It's a great place to be and a great contrast to the feeling of pathetic loneliness that was consuming me on waking.
This happens when I start to listen to my internal victim dialogue , full of lies that I believe because this voice can be so convincing. This victim voice tells it's own story of 'how it is ' ..'IT' , the voice , seems to know MY story better than myself pffft . Of course I know that now , but I didn't then.
I phone my friend A-S 'how are you ? ' ( and to be honest what I really mean to say and don't is " why have you not phoned you rat ? why have YOU not phoned to ask how I am ?)
Instead I listen but when what I really want is to be listened TO.So after a while I hear ...." and how are you ?" So I start to tell her, but can hear from her voice that this question out of politeness
Damn ! "Go back to what you were doing.." I say " we can talk later "
BUT , by this time I am really pissed off and I start making up stories about how things SHOULD be 
- It's alright for me to be there for HER but when I need her to listen , she doesn't !
- She is not a real friend. If she were she would listen etc etc
I take on passive aggressive martyr role.
Next I phone Maarja , bless her... who is busy cleaning the bathroom but takes time to have a chat . BLESS her thousand times , because ten minutes later my faith in human nature is restored.
Meanwhile - the bread is ready. Homemade bread, elderflower and orange marmalade , grevé cheese and green tea.
HEAVEN !
GRATITUDE !
I switch on the TV and get drawn into a film that is half- way through. " Lappsjukan " ( Swedish documentary from 2001 ) that has me laughing and crying at the same time. The film is brilliant, compassionate and moving; the PERFECT tonic and antidote to my state of mind.
Lappsjukan is an funny film about a couple of women crazy Argentinians who turn up , completely out of the blue at an old Sami couple's doorstep in response to their open invitation:
"You are welcome to stay when you are in our neck of the woods "
So the two women- crazy Argentinians, Guillermo and Juan, travel to Kiruna in the far north of Sweden and do just that !
Their two cultures could not be further apart Guillermo and Juan are under the impression there are indians in Lappland and Swedish women easy and promiscuous, so there are a few surprises in store for the latino couple.
Hans and Kerstin take great pains to accommodate their unexpected guests and put them up in their guest cabin .Gullermo and Juan, used to 40 C nearly freeze to death in sub zero temperatures.
Neither speaks the other's language but somehow they 'pretend' that they do and there are lots of understandings and misunderstandings that had me laughing and crying at the same time.
In the morning Hans and Kerstin come to their cabin with whiskey and later find warm clothes for them , necessary for their skiing experience which is hilarious. They keep falling over and G keeps asking awkward questions like 'how am i going to be able to pee with all these layers of clothes on? ' There's also a funny sauna scene complete with romps in the snow.
I wish it were available with English subtitles for you to see;a very human film ,and so funny.
Anway .... that's as far as I've got. I really need to go for a walk and might just do that while the rain has stopped.
TTFN